I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.