It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.