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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
podcasts
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.