No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.