I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Damn he played himself
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]