Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
This will never not be funny to me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.