We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.