i spent way too long on this
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?