“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Order here:
More here:
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure