Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I unironically love this joke.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.