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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the