[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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Breakfast for Stoners:
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.