some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*offers Batman cough drops*
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies