*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
You Might Also Like
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.