most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
In banana years, I am bread.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Sing it!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX