It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
This pepper has seen some shit
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what