Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
You wish you had this many chins.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.