I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
jesus christ confetti not now
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”