My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You Might Also Like
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father