Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Found the job I’m suited for
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’d love this…lol
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING