Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂