Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.