When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
favorite tropes as memes
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.