If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby