We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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me doing my best
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on