throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
You Might Also Like
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.