iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor