Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house