If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.