7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
new career option?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
how do y’all walk in shallow water
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it