Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.