People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
This could be us but you eatin’
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house