if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: