Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back