Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much