Me, reading some of your tweets
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
what kind of cook setting is this??
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Nose
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…