saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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Boom, boom, ching!
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.