If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book