Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
LOL
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
adam and eve had first world problems
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them