I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Harsh but fair
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.