Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.