Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.