I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I love twitter
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
😂💯
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
my dog when i have a friend over
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no