I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.