[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Ironic
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*