What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.