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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”