My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”