[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder