Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now